questions
of
the
heart
Welcome.
it's a small world

Hello. The name is Era Marsita. This is my blog and you probably know that already. Here lies all the rants that 140 characters just can't.

Oh well, here we go.
Slow Down.
Monday, 9 September 2013 @ 08:41


Blessed. It's always the littlest things that matter the most, they carry so much so value. It warms my heart to know that even with whatever that has been going through in my life right now, there are still those who cherish me, that put effort in making me happy. Be it tangible or impalpable.

Now I just wish for time to slow down. Slow down so that I can calm down. So that I could think clearly, stop over-analyzing everything.

Because time will heal everything.

---

Managed to spend time with my lovely ladies as we are away from our constricted schedules, temporarily.
Words can't describe how delighted I was to see them after so long. I was speechless when they actually made a sort of improptu surprise for me as they did not manage to host one on my very own birthday due to certain events. I really didn't see it coming. Whatever that they have done today for me really warmed my heart even if they claimed their plan was a 'failed' attempt. But I truly enjoyed the day nonetheless because of their company.

And to top it off, it feels so lovely at night to watch a couple of good movies all cozy with air-conditioner and your favorite blanket while having your cat cuddled up to you for warmth, purring. One of the best ways to end a good day.

(-:

Uncertainty.
Sunday, 8 September 2013 @ 11:31


Wow, it's about three months since my last post on this blog. Guess I couldn't get around to update at all this past few months.

I swear this past few months have been hectic. As soon as the mid-term break ended, I felt that my life has been going through a downfall, I can just feel my entire being succumb, crumbling to pieces like pastries. Brushing things off is easier sometimes, yes yes this are all minor challenges and obstacles that I just have to pull through. But now it feels like the weight of the entire world is on my shoulders.

1) I have never felt so ostracized and isolated. To be with the company of many yet feeling just so hollow inside. Like there is a void that could never be filled because whatever you try to fill it with will just go through it. Never have I felt so scared. Scared of hurting, scared of being hurt, scared of being humiliated, scared of losing. It hurts when people forge sympathy just to pass on judgement once you share your pain with them. It truly hurts. Sometimes they even lose focus when you're pouring your heart out to them and they just flow to the gutter because they couldn't care less how you feel, they just want to know what the deal is. How can I not have issues?

I know I have done a lot of things in this very first semester that cause people to detest me. I'm not a lovable person, trust me. But hey, I am only human. Humans make mistakes. Humans take chances, and give chances. I have taken up a lot of risk but it ends up in vain as now I have to face the consequence of having my name tarnished and whatever pain I am going through right now.

2) I wonder how my heart could possibly break when it wasn't even whole to start with. I think what really hurt me was when you stated 'same shit, different person'. Like it didn't come across to you how vulnerable I was at that point and you were my only confidant. You have always been my only confidant and the one I treasure despite the fact that I don't even meet you at all throughout the months I have known you, after the past few years of course.... but that's not the point. My point is was that I have always cared for you even though I needed you more than you needed me but you always see yourself as a 'second plan' to me and that kills me. So when your usual silent treatment towards me prolonged, I thought it would be best for me to be away from you. I guess I was right, you don't need to fight thunder now because you've already found the sunshine. I miss you though. Who could really blame you, I lead you to the assumption that I could replace you with somebody else. 

3) With everything going on, some stated here and some not, I thought this holiday would take me away from the negativity I face in the outside world and in school by relishing in it with my very own family. But I guess I thought wrong. I thought I could turn to the man, my hero who was supposed to protect me from all this pain in life and to be there to guide me. I felt that if I could never feel loved by someone, or by society I would be able to have the love and comfort from you. But the words were spewed with venom when you spit them at me, whatever you have said had inflicted on me.

Do you even hear the sound of my heart breaking and throat cracking when you said such things? You really sounded like everyone else who looked down upon me, the comments were so similar, so familiar, accompanied with profanity. Just because I walked away when you acted in a way I don't like. I didn't even raised my voice, I silently pleaded and for just one small matter you let out the anger and hatred that you have felt for me for so long, just because you felt humiliated.
---
Everything just hit me a like car crash. And just when I thought I saw the light of hope, I thought things could better but instead it was the lights of a truck, and it just hit me twice as hard. I know, I know. Things can only get better. But how long more must I face this? I refused to allow myself to reduce to the mess I was a year ago. It's been one year that I've been clean........ and I refuse to tarnish it. I know I can't just drown myself in self sympathy. But at times like this I'm just floating in what seems like an endless sea, lost in confusion.

Full of uncertainty. I just need some clarity.

New Beginnings
Saturday, 8 June 2013 @ 11:15

WOW it's more than half a year after the first post. So much for writing up my 'wonderful holiday' .

So yeah, I have recently started school for like 5 weeks and now's past the middle of the holiday. A lot has happened and changed in the past 1-2 months. Met new people and still trying to get accustomed to some things.... Oh well.

I'm satisfied that my performance in studies has been fine for the first few weeks of school and hope to maintain it that way. I flip shit whenever I get a C HAHAHA. Also hope I don't have to worry so much as stress is no good and I don't wanna be stressed for UT! Hope

I don't even know why I am up this late at night but I blame Sundown for making my body clock go haywire! ):< HAHA kidding.

School has been fine but I hate how hungry I get during Study Break 1 like I could starve through recess and lunch in secondary school but in poly I HAVE TO EAT EAT EAT. Speaking of which I'm craving for the pasta.

Okay I don't really have much to say and my cat is pretty much eyeing my keyboard becs she wants to lie on it so I shall end off here. xx

The Prequel
Friday, 2 November 2012 @ 10:29

Well, hello fellow earth dwellers, it's been decades since I've typed in a blog. Maybe I'm just exaggerating. I miss typing out my uttermost feelings and thoughts out. School has always been stressful for me. I have just taken my O level examinations and currently I'm just left with my Combined Science MCQ which is next Friday. 


2012 has been such a roller coaster ride. I have met a lot of wonderful people this year and I'm really blessed to have them in my life now. I've been through a lot of challenges this year, but I managed to push myself and persevere. Time flew by and now it's already November. Soon it'll be 2013, and I'll be living a new life, in a new school and new friends. 

As for now, I have a few days of break before my last paper and BOOM! Holidays. I'm not entirely sure what I want to work as this holiday as I had a terrible experience working last year. Though, I'm not gonna rush into working immediately. I want to have adequate rest! I shall pick up new hobbies too and maybe learn to ride a bike... Ooops.


Oh well, now I'm clueless of what else to elaborate so I think I shall just sign off here. Goodnight.